How to Find a Woman of Your Dreams?
(this article is published with authorization of Olga
Sapp, author of this article, owner of
A lot has been said about the character of a Russian woman, about the
reasons that make her seek a husband abroad, and about her expectations
from new countries. Allow me to join in and summarize my own observations
based on my personal experience and my numerous conversations with Russian
women and their foreign spouses. Since I created the Russian Women
Magazine, I have received many letters. Men and women who were happy in
their relationships and those whose relationships had failed wrote them.
Based on the stories, I have learned living in the US, I believe I could
have written a whole book. However, today I would like to talk about the
beginning stage of a relationship: about the reasons that prompt a Russian
woman to seek a spouse abroad, what qualities she is looking for in a man,
her final choice, and how her choice coincides or not with that of a man.
I would also like to discuss men's guidelines for choosing a spouse
through dating agencies.
What is a Russian woman looking for? Like poor Diogene, a Russian woman
walks with a lantern in the daylight searching for a man in her native
town. All she sees around her is green youths spoiled by female attention,
unwilling to take up the load of other people's problems, yearning only
for entertainment and pleasure, and relief from their own tough life.
Of course there are some strong personalities, the so-called 'new
Russians', but young and beautiful women are already lined up after them,
and these men who have earned their fortune during the breakup of the USSR
are surrounded by danger and trouble. However, a woman usually seeks peace
and security in a relationship. She looks for a vague image of a real man
in faraway countries. The recently open borders allow her to choose.
The choice varies from very wide to scarce, depending on the amount of
effort a woman dedicates to the search of a spouse, her insight and the
luck to receive a letter from the right man. The right man for a Russian
woman is the one who is able to provide peaceful, safe and well-off life
for her and her family. Of course, feelings and sexual attraction also
play a great part. Unfortunately, a woman is not always capable to make
the right choice under the influence of feelings. I know many women who
came to the US having been charmed by their faience and married out of
love only to discover later that their spouses are either tyrants or poor,
incapable to provide decent living, or simply psychologically unstable
individuals. There are two ways out in such situations: the immediate
return home or a divorce after receiving a "green-card," depending on the
Now let's talk about the choice of the men. Of course everybody is looking
for a beautiful woman. Luckily, everybody's standards of beauty are
different. All other requirements differ from man to man. Someone is
dreaming of a smart, intelligent, purposeful and self-reliant woman, but
for some reason writes to couch potato that wants to be provided for by
her husband. Someone else wants a wife who would stay on his big estate in
the middle of an endless plain but is attracted by a photograph of a woman
working as a manager of a hard currency department in a bank or as a
journalist for the local TV station.
Still, someone else is simply looking for a young blond with long legs,
with his own assets being a bald patch, debts and a beer belly. It does
not mean that all young blondes are looking for wealthy and handsome men.
Not at all. They also have different tastes and demands. The best-case
scenario is the tastes of both parts coincide and demands are met. I know
many women who are happy being married to much older men with average
incomes. However these young women are happy because they were looking for
older men from the start attracted by their maturity, experience and
responsibility. These women in many cases have reached maturity
themselves, being in their late 20-ies or early 30-ies.
As far as twenty-year-old women are concerned, they are attracted by
adventure, passion and romance in men. A twenty-year-old woman does not
want to sit at home. She wants to study or advance her career. She is very
sensitive to her freedom being infringed. Marriage to a young woman
demands great sacrifices on the part of the spouse who has to keep up with
her rhythm of life. Have you ever wondered how many young Russian girls
are traveling across America running away from their boring, old and
I have met many Russian women while living here in America. All of them
were very different: very young and much older, intelligent and not very
smart, beautiful and just attractive, kind and tough, adventurous and
serene, active and passive. All of them wanted to be loved and be happy in
marriage. All of them are seeking love, but don't always find the right
I knew a man who fell in love with a picture of a young, educated, very
beautiful woman from a good family. She was much younger than he, had
never worked, and was supported by her husband before and even after the
divorce. Like a sleeping beauty, she was dreaming of a prince. Finally
that "prince" came to Moscow. He was an average American countryside
fellow head over heels in love with a loud laugh and rough hands of a
hardworking man. He was met with a cold contempt of the beauty. It is good
that their romance ended so quickly. Why did she agree to meet him? She
was enchanted by his passionate courting, a huge bucket of roses sent to
cold Moscow, presents and money. The image of an American created in the
heads of Russian women is sometimes very different from the reality. The
imagination of Russian beauties is often nourished by Hollywood and not
Here is another case. An elderly, overweight and softhearted scientist
came to another big city to a woman from the circle of the so-called
"new-Russians." She greeted him with hospitality and arranged for him a
real vacation with Russian steam bath, vodka, gypsy songs, ice-skating and
friends from her circle. She drove around the city in her own Mercedes
with a mink fur-coat tossed over her shoulders. Despite the fact that the
extravagant lady did not show much affection towards her foreign friend,
he still decided to take a risk and get her a fiancée visa.
The sequence to this story was dramatic for both. Having arrived to a
small condo on the beach the lady demanded a villa on the spot. Her
fiancée having been scared away by her pressure and aggression had
disappeared from the scene leaving it up to her to arrange her departure.
Later, though, the same scientist found himself a pleasant and quiet woman
with a positive outlook fifteen years older than his first Russian
fiancée. The two are happy together now. All is well that ends well. The
happy conclusion here is that this man finally found his dream woman with
a personality that corresponded to his own.
Dear men, please take a distanced look at you and evaluate yourself.
Please, don't think that your only asset is the fact that you are a
citizen of rich and civilized country. Find other merits in yourself and
take into consideration your drawbacks. Only then can you make a choice.
It is true that there are many women who come into the US and other
western countries only to get citizenship and would put up with drawbacks
of a spouse. Is that your goal, though? Wouldn't you rather build a strong
and secure family?
Why, for example, would a retired officer marry having five children from
previous marriage and spending his military pension entirely on child
support? The man has no permanent job, but only a desire to watch action
movies and play computer games. "I don't need anything," he tells now to
his Russian wife, who he literally pulled out of poverty in her native
town. But she has needs! She does not want to be poor any more. She wants
to have at least minimum comfort. In comparison with her previous living
conditions the new life style is not so bad but just as unstable as back
I would not say that the above mentioned retired officer could not have
found himself a Russian woman dreaming of gazing at the stars with her
loved one through the worn out roof of a shack. He probably could have
found such a lady if he had paired up his image of a dream woman with what
he could offer her. However his chances to meet the right partner would
have been very slim.
Matching up characters, views and lifestyles is an important component of
a happy marriage. Does it mean that a couple should share the same outlook
on everything? Of course not! However if true feelings, love or at least
mutual respect are present then any disagreements can be resolved. If a
woman loves you, she will forgive you a lot. On the other hand, she is
also counting on your love, patience and understanding. She is counting on
So how to determine whether you are compatible with your partner? Allow me
to give you some advice. First of all you have to determine what you are
looking for in a woman. Of course everybody wants to find a beautiful
lady. When you are searching you usually stop at a photograph of a lady
that strikes your imagination. You see a picture of a distant woman and
all of a sudden she seems to be familiar and close to you. This is a good
sign to start a correspondence. However, read her profile first and try to
determine her background, and then compare it with your image of an ideal
If you want your spouse to be an equal partner, interested in career, then
you should seek a woman with higher education who has already achieved
some success at home and in command of a foreign language. Preferably she
should be under forty. After this age it is harder for a woman to make a
If you want a spouse that would stay at home waiting for you to come home
from work, cook dinner and make a pleasant companion to go out with, then
over forty is the perfect age for you. If you still want to find a young
housewife, try to find a woman who has never been interested in career,
passive and not very interested in intellectual activity.
If you are looking for woman 20 years younger or more, then you need to
find a woman who likes older men, who is dreaming of a caring
husband-father figure. If you are over 60 then it is better to forget of a
young woman who has not reached at least 35. By the way, I would not
recommend even men in their forties to look for a woman younger than 25.
Young girls under 25 are a better match for young men full of life,
looking for romantic adventures and busy social life. You should look at
age difference very carefully. It is always a good idea to ask yourself a
question: what will your younger wife do when you are 80?
The next step would be to get to know the woman through correspondence.
This is a very important stage in the process of getting to know each
other. Through letters you can find out a lot about a woman. I don't
advise you to prepare for a meeting before you have written "tons" of
letters and receive the same amount in return. If a woman writes rarely it
means that she does not take you very seriously or is corresponding with a
few other men. Electronic mail has become the most popular means of
communication. Of course this kind of service in Russia is very expensive
and not every household has a computer. However, I can assure you that a
truly interested woman can find a way to send you e-mail. You should not
discard the opportunity to take advantage of the regular mail services,
but the getting to know stage might stretch in time.
It is in your letters that you should tell a woman about your desires and
intentions. You should be honest in describing yourself. You have to
inform your lady of choice about your disadvantages and baggage of the
past. Let her know whether you have kids from your first marriage and
whether you pay child support, and whether these kids will stay in the
house and how often. If you have any health problems you should also write
about them. Perhaps you should not write about all your problems and
secrets in your first letter. I believe, you will be able to decide for
yourself when it is time for an honest conversation. Such conversation
must take place before your first meeting.
It is necessary to also talk about your conditions towards your future
spouse. Let her know of your expectations and intentions. If you don't
plan on having children, write about it. If you are a vegetarian and would
like your wife to be a vegetarian as well, it is also important to tell.
Of course, your conditions should not bear a form of an ultimatum. It can
be done in a more delicate manner, by carefully worded questions, example
and so on. You should not be very demanding but you can't also deceive the
expectations of your loved one. In return you should find out what the
woman expects from marriage but don't promise what you can't deliver.
The process of getting to know each other can be continued during the
meeting with the woman at her home and if this meeting meets your
expectations you may proceed to planning her arrival to your country and
It very important to find out how well a woman adapts to new environments
and how flexible she is. The ability to adapt to changes, to accept
cultural differences and different points of view, and to be patient and
tolerant of each other will help you in your marriage.
Ask yourself frankly: will you be able to take up the responsibility of
becoming a good husband for a Russian woman? Will you be able to devote
yourself to taking care of her? Will you help her make the first steps in
the unfamiliar country, provide for her and her children (if present)
financially? Will you have the patience to be her husband, her friend and
teacher? Will you offer her the support she needs in adapting to the
unknown society and not confine her within the house? If you answered
"yes" to all these questions then you are ready to meet your destiny and
it will reward you generously for your effort. You will find a loving,
caring, grateful, intelligent, beautiful wife with a wonderful heart and
soul. These are not empty words because there are many happier than
unhappy international couples.
"All unhappy families are unhappy in their own ways, all happy families
look alike," said Leo Tolstoy. I must agree with him on that statement.
The scheme of a happy marriage is one for everybody: he gives her his love
and care, and she gives him in return her grateful heart. A mutual
exchange of energy takes place, which is crucial to maintain fire in the
family hearth glowing.
Olga Sapp, Publisher (Happily married with American man)